I am hoping that doesn't give me an automatic fail, since I haven't worn heels in 6 years. At first it was out of necessity. The hubs was still working as an apprentice, and I was home with our first baby. There was no extra money for the frivolity of fabulous shoes. As my maternity leave came to an end and the decision to go back to my previous job or continue to stay home loomed near, a little piddle on a stick made the choice even harder. Could I manage my previous job while pregnant for the second time? While not all that physically demanding, it was emotionally stressful dealing not only customers and their bullshit, but keeping track of all the staff drama was exhausting. Emotions and exhaustion already a challenge for my knocked up self. The decision was made. Rather then fork out an exorbitant amount of money to have strangers raise my child, I chose to work part time evenings and weekends, while the husband took care of the baby. It was an easy job, that I stayed at until my prego-ness started to freak out the customers.
I currently work from home, doing fairly well, and hoping to expand on that so I can continue to be a stay at home mom for my kids. The only down side to part time work ; the quest for a decent pair of shoes wages on.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I felt that success was measured by how hard you rocked your heels, and while a great pair of heels, seems to make the average girl a superstar, it's all a facade. Feeling good and succeeding at life comes from you. While the length of my "bucket list" spreads to the extreme, it doesn't mean I have not succeeded, it just means I'm not there yet.
I have managed to keep two kids alive for nearly 6 years, if you don't have kids then you have no idea.....I really do think this has been quite a feat. Setting aside every ounce of self preservation in order to keep two crying, needy, shitty pants children happy is something else!!
Of course if I had been wearing a killer pair of heels, I'd probably have six kids by now, so maybe there was a reason I didn't splurge on all those sexy heels I spied in store windows.
Now anyone raising girls should know, that it is your responsibility as a parent to prevent them from becoming little slutty douche bags. It is your fault and you are a shitty parent if your daughters become a hot mess of Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse. Grow some balls and learn to say no, before it's too late. They may tell you they hate you when they're 14 but when they hit their mid 20's and realize that in real life that those girls are a waste of oxygen, they'll thank you.
I may not own an awesome pair of heels, and I may have made permanent friends with my flip flops, but it turns out I am a success. I have two thoughtful, happy, well behaved girls. They are socially and environmentally conscious and both make concerted efforts to be good people without further coaxing from me. I have started them on their ways to being useful members of society. Huh, who would have thought?
Jimmy Choo never fear, I will continue to drool over your awesomeness.....just know it will likely continue to be through a pane of glass.
April 19, 2011
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And Just When I Thought I Was A Half Way Decent Parent......
I met one of those moms I fully hate.(you know, just when I was on the brink of salvaging some shred of dignity.) She was skinny, which, while in and of itself isn't that horrible, no one should look that freakin' good after squirting out a couple of kids, there should be some sort of recognition for the 9 months your body carried life, you know, like saggy boobs or a gunt.
They should billboard a woman's "after baby" body as birth control for teenage girls. What girl in her right mind would want to have sex if she knew she would end up with an episiotomy and cottage cheese ass?
Anyway, she had the perfect shade of blonde hair (sans the gnarly roots and greys I have been known to occasionally sport) and worst of all her kids sat quietly in the shopping cart. (Let me be clear though, my kids were not at first glance behaving like little assholes, hers just had that unholy angelic look about them that scares the hell out of me) It's a little like stepping into a Stephen King novel when you come across these creepy "children of the corn" and their Ritalin induced silence.
We of course smile like idiots at each other and do a quick judgemental scan of the others cart, and while we are both stopped in the frozen food aisle, she is clearly picking out Organic Brussel Sprouts, and I'm trying to decide which flavour of Pizza Pop would be best. There is no need to panic, I assure you that my kids do actually eat fruit and vegetables, but no one should be exposed to Brussel Sprouts. EVER.
Obviously the reason I don't have washboard abs like that bitch is probably because I have opted for Pizza Pops over Brussel Sprouts, then upon further contemplation decide I would rather have jelly belly then give up the magic that is Pizza Pops. It's not like I've been huffing spray paint, I just love me the occasional Pizza Pop.....and maybe a little vodka, but that's all whole other post.
Now, of course, because I am within spitting distance of this vision of motherly perfection, it seems only logical that this would be the opportune time for one of my kids to pass from complacent shopper to total psychopath. You know, like when they start by saying "mom" every half second, while your daydreaming about saucy, cheesy goodness. Then they clearly lose their minds and take a swing at you, pulling you from your revelry and forcing you to pay attention to them. Had we been in an aisle without witnesses, I would have quietly given her shit, and returned the fruit snacks to some wayward shelf.
Instead, Blondie is eyeing me suspiciously for signs I am about to lay the smack down and clearly because children all have an "I am secretly evil" gene, my kid continues her ranting lunacy despite the stink eye and whispered threats to pull off Barbie's head if she doesn't keep it down. I push my cart farther down the aisle, casting a glance behind me to bust Blondie with a douche bag smirk on her overly glossed lips. While dropping the C-bomb in front of the kids would be inappropriate, even for me, I can taste it's victory burning in the back of my throat. I manage to swallow it down and walk away.
The realization that Blondie was so concerned with how she looked, that she wasted her time judging me was a little bit of joy to the otherwise mundane task of grocery shopping.
I am far from perfect, my kids, while perfect to me, may not be your cup of tea. I can live with that. I don't know about you, but the fact that no matter what my kids are loved, fed, clothed and cared for should be your only judgement of me, and I of you, even if you do insist on wearing skinny jeans and heels to the supermarket.
They should billboard a woman's "after baby" body as birth control for teenage girls. What girl in her right mind would want to have sex if she knew she would end up with an episiotomy and cottage cheese ass?
Anyway, she had the perfect shade of blonde hair (sans the gnarly roots and greys I have been known to occasionally sport) and worst of all her kids sat quietly in the shopping cart. (Let me be clear though, my kids were not at first glance behaving like little assholes, hers just had that unholy angelic look about them that scares the hell out of me) It's a little like stepping into a Stephen King novel when you come across these creepy "children of the corn" and their Ritalin induced silence.
We of course smile like idiots at each other and do a quick judgemental scan of the others cart, and while we are both stopped in the frozen food aisle, she is clearly picking out Organic Brussel Sprouts, and I'm trying to decide which flavour of Pizza Pop would be best. There is no need to panic, I assure you that my kids do actually eat fruit and vegetables, but no one should be exposed to Brussel Sprouts. EVER.
Obviously the reason I don't have washboard abs like that bitch is probably because I have opted for Pizza Pops over Brussel Sprouts, then upon further contemplation decide I would rather have jelly belly then give up the magic that is Pizza Pops. It's not like I've been huffing spray paint, I just love me the occasional Pizza Pop.....and maybe a little vodka, but that's all whole other post.
Now, of course, because I am within spitting distance of this vision of motherly perfection, it seems only logical that this would be the opportune time for one of my kids to pass from complacent shopper to total psychopath. You know, like when they start by saying "mom" every half second, while your daydreaming about saucy, cheesy goodness. Then they clearly lose their minds and take a swing at you, pulling you from your revelry and forcing you to pay attention to them. Had we been in an aisle without witnesses, I would have quietly given her shit, and returned the fruit snacks to some wayward shelf.
Instead, Blondie is eyeing me suspiciously for signs I am about to lay the smack down and clearly because children all have an "I am secretly evil" gene, my kid continues her ranting lunacy despite the stink eye and whispered threats to pull off Barbie's head if she doesn't keep it down. I push my cart farther down the aisle, casting a glance behind me to bust Blondie with a douche bag smirk on her overly glossed lips. While dropping the C-bomb in front of the kids would be inappropriate, even for me, I can taste it's victory burning in the back of my throat. I manage to swallow it down and walk away.
The realization that Blondie was so concerned with how she looked, that she wasted her time judging me was a little bit of joy to the otherwise mundane task of grocery shopping.
I am far from perfect, my kids, while perfect to me, may not be your cup of tea. I can live with that. I don't know about you, but the fact that no matter what my kids are loved, fed, clothed and cared for should be your only judgement of me, and I of you, even if you do insist on wearing skinny jeans and heels to the supermarket.
March 11, 2011
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You Are In My Thoughts
In a time when all I think about is my to-do list, grocery shopping and that crazy mountain of laundry, it hits me very close to home to think of all the destruction, heartache and loss facing the people of Japan.
So for once I am pulling my head out of my own ass and giving long hard thought to people around the world who have lived through Mother Nature's wrath.
From Thailand to India, Haiti, New Zealand, and now Japan. I am thinking of you and I believe you will find the strength it takes to rebuild your lives.
So for once I am pulling my head out of my own ass and giving long hard thought to people around the world who have lived through Mother Nature's wrath.
From Thailand to India, Haiti, New Zealand, and now Japan. I am thinking of you and I believe you will find the strength it takes to rebuild your lives.
March 10, 2011
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The Greatest Mom Lesson Ever Learned
Remember all those times you were out somewhere and you came across a totally hysterical kid, throwing a shit fit over one thing or another, and you thought to yourself " what the hell is that mom doing, or that kid's a brat.. " (You get my drift there)
You vowed to yourself right there on the spot that you would never "let" your kid behave like that, or let them get away with that. You would never be the mom who caved over candy or hotwheels. You would never continue your grocery shopping while your toddler lied down in the middle of the aisle and screamed at the top of their lungs.....
I will fully admit that on more then one occasion I was one of those people tossing dirty looks at the seemingly incapable mother, and picturing a collection of mutilated action figures in that child's near future.....and then I gave birth.
In the instant I became a mother, a switch flipped in my head. Here I was holding a baby, it's crying, your crying, and you have no idea why either of you are shedding those tears. Gradually you and baby adapt to each other. You begin to understand those whimpers, your own subside ( if you're lucky ) and your new life begins. Through the magic of genetics, your baby grows and thrives, milestones come and go in the blink of an eye. You miss them all trying to be super mom. Baby learns to crawl while you're pureeing organic carrots. First teeth come in over night, and your first clue was the sore nipples.
You clean the house from top to bottom ( god forbid your kid ingests a sprinkle of dust ) You spend nap times with your head in the washing machine, or bent over the sink doing dishes..all for the love and well being of your baby.
You pretend your world isn't crumbling around you when the baby says "dada" before "mama"...even though 99% of the time you are baby's entire world.
Then it all begins to change, baby learns to walk and talk, and all hell breaks loose!! "Mine" "No" and high pitched screams become your little "angel's" vocabulary choices.
Ladies, head's up: this is when your hair turns grey and no fancy cream in the world will fill in those fine lines.
You are now the parent of an "evil" toddler. You may have heard of the Terrible Two's. Yes, sometimes they are. You have a child whose brain learns and advances at lightning speed, yet their language skills still border on jibber jabber. They know exactly what they want and when they want it, but are incapable of getting the words out of their mouths. Frustrating for them I'm sure...translating said jibber jabber into something that your own brain can process.....equally as frustrating. Just you wait...whoever coined the term Terrible Two's obviously had never been anywhere near a 3 year old.
I say all this in good fun ( now that I am finally out of that stage!! ) Everyday my kids are happy and healthy are good ones...I am even referring to those days they make you so crazy you fully lose your shit, freak out, yell and slam doors. ( let's tell the truth here...sometimes mom needs a time out too.)
So next time you see that frazzled mom, doing everything she can to not yell when her kid acts like a monster...remember just because your child is not at that stage, or it hasn't happened to you YET, it will.
Instead of passing judgement on her parenting skills ( this does not apply if said mother is a cracked out junkie ) thank your lucky stars that today, your child hasn't thrown you under the bus in a fit of mass hysteria.
You vowed to yourself right there on the spot that you would never "let" your kid behave like that, or let them get away with that. You would never be the mom who caved over candy or hotwheels. You would never continue your grocery shopping while your toddler lied down in the middle of the aisle and screamed at the top of their lungs.....
I will fully admit that on more then one occasion I was one of those people tossing dirty looks at the seemingly incapable mother, and picturing a collection of mutilated action figures in that child's near future.....and then I gave birth.
In the instant I became a mother, a switch flipped in my head. Here I was holding a baby, it's crying, your crying, and you have no idea why either of you are shedding those tears. Gradually you and baby adapt to each other. You begin to understand those whimpers, your own subside ( if you're lucky ) and your new life begins. Through the magic of genetics, your baby grows and thrives, milestones come and go in the blink of an eye. You miss them all trying to be super mom. Baby learns to crawl while you're pureeing organic carrots. First teeth come in over night, and your first clue was the sore nipples.
You clean the house from top to bottom ( god forbid your kid ingests a sprinkle of dust ) You spend nap times with your head in the washing machine, or bent over the sink doing dishes..all for the love and well being of your baby.
You pretend your world isn't crumbling around you when the baby says "dada" before "mama"...even though 99% of the time you are baby's entire world.
Then it all begins to change, baby learns to walk and talk, and all hell breaks loose!! "Mine" "No" and high pitched screams become your little "angel's" vocabulary choices.
Ladies, head's up: this is when your hair turns grey and no fancy cream in the world will fill in those fine lines.
You are now the parent of an "evil" toddler. You may have heard of the Terrible Two's. Yes, sometimes they are. You have a child whose brain learns and advances at lightning speed, yet their language skills still border on jibber jabber. They know exactly what they want and when they want it, but are incapable of getting the words out of their mouths. Frustrating for them I'm sure...translating said jibber jabber into something that your own brain can process.....equally as frustrating. Just you wait...whoever coined the term Terrible Two's obviously had never been anywhere near a 3 year old.
I say all this in good fun ( now that I am finally out of that stage!! ) Everyday my kids are happy and healthy are good ones...I am even referring to those days they make you so crazy you fully lose your shit, freak out, yell and slam doors. ( let's tell the truth here...sometimes mom needs a time out too.)
So next time you see that frazzled mom, doing everything she can to not yell when her kid acts like a monster...remember just because your child is not at that stage, or it hasn't happened to you YET, it will.
Instead of passing judgement on her parenting skills ( this does not apply if said mother is a cracked out junkie ) thank your lucky stars that today, your child hasn't thrown you under the bus in a fit of mass hysteria.
January 20, 2011
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WhenYour five Year Old Loses Her Mind.....And Other Stories To Make You Feel Better About Your Own Life
You know those days where you feel like the higher powers are out to get you? The washing machine breaks ( don't even get me started ). You are running 5 minutes late for absolutely everything, you burn the toast, and scraping off the black into the sink is not good enough, even if it does have extra thick peanutbutter on it. Now add to that your 5 year old losing her mind. It 's something like the worst bout of PMS you have ever experienced,( you remember that fight with your BF when you threw all of his stuff out the window ) times like 10 because I assume that she doesn't have hormones to blame. So in retrospect she might actually be losing it. Weird, I know, since it's normally me, freaking out over something stupid for no reason at all. ( yes remote hiding under the couch cushions I am referring to you ). I can go on, and yes frankly I do realize that I go on, and on, and on, well you get the point. I love my kids but good god, what have I gotten myself into?
January 5, 2011
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Happy New Year....I Think?
Back to life after Christmas. For anyone who has kids I think you understand what I mean. The kids on holidays, parties, friends, family Christmas, clean up, new stuff, and oh did I mention.....MAYHEM!! It's nearly impossible to schedule anything, to follow any sort of routine, to keep them under control in any way, shape or form.
Now, I know I shouldn't complain, because I have been around a zillion other kids over the holidays and I have every confidence that mine are near the top of the cosmic well behaved list. (they are pretty super, when I am objective enough to look at the big picture and not dwell on the itty bitty things that only make me crazy.)
We are in our first week back at school, work etc. It's raining ( and by that I mean POURING) so long to the beautiful, sunny winter days we had enjoyed for the entire week previous. The kids are grumpy, tired and slobs!! All I have to say is "clean up those new toys, before I give them to a tidy child!!" (obviously not an option considering how much toys cost) I didn't get all OCD buying bins and containers just so you could leave your toys on the floor beside the empty bins. Yep, the girl who lived in a bedroom knee deep in clothes and Tiger Beat mags, (which I am sure my mother would adamantly attest too) is obsessive about how tidy her kids rooms are. God how I hate all those people who said "your kids are going to be just like you!!) and honestly I feel badly for the girls, because who wants to turn into their mother? ( I fight that one with every fibre of my being, and will until the day the dementia takes over {haha...or not?} .)
What a depressing start to the week....I want my sunshine back, it makes me feel better!!!
Well anyway, just so everyone knows I have decided not to make any New Years Resolutions, because really I've never kept a single one!! I plan to make some small changes to my life and to the lives of my family, but they are more general ways to make our lives more solid and easier to live, nothing major. So there. I'll be back to blabber on about this and that, hopefully sooner then the last. Keep reading, it can't possibly get worse!
Now, I know I shouldn't complain, because I have been around a zillion other kids over the holidays and I have every confidence that mine are near the top of the cosmic well behaved list. (they are pretty super, when I am objective enough to look at the big picture and not dwell on the itty bitty things that only make me crazy.)
We are in our first week back at school, work etc. It's raining ( and by that I mean POURING) so long to the beautiful, sunny winter days we had enjoyed for the entire week previous. The kids are grumpy, tired and slobs!! All I have to say is "clean up those new toys, before I give them to a tidy child!!" (obviously not an option considering how much toys cost) I didn't get all OCD buying bins and containers just so you could leave your toys on the floor beside the empty bins. Yep, the girl who lived in a bedroom knee deep in clothes and Tiger Beat mags, (which I am sure my mother would adamantly attest too) is obsessive about how tidy her kids rooms are. God how I hate all those people who said "your kids are going to be just like you!!) and honestly I feel badly for the girls, because who wants to turn into their mother? ( I fight that one with every fibre of my being, and will until the day the dementia takes over {haha...or not?} .)
What a depressing start to the week....I want my sunshine back, it makes me feel better!!!
Well anyway, just so everyone knows I have decided not to make any New Years Resolutions, because really I've never kept a single one!! I plan to make some small changes to my life and to the lives of my family, but they are more general ways to make our lives more solid and easier to live, nothing major. So there. I'll be back to blabber on about this and that, hopefully sooner then the last. Keep reading, it can't possibly get worse!
November 23, 2010
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Returning From The Land Of Writers Block
While I don't normally suffer from long bouts of writers block, I have been in a bit of a dry spell. I haven't been able to concentrate on anything long term, though I have a large number of projects on the go. I can't seem to bring myself to finish any single one of the them. ( blech!!!) Since I figure here is as a good as any place to be honest, I am pretty sure there is a reason for all the humming and hawing. I am certainly not a physciatrist but I am pretty sure that my problem is all in my head. So to be vulnerable and put myself out there, here's my take on what's going on. If I don't finish a project, then I can't fail a project. If I don't show people or tell people what I am working on, I won't be ridiculed if it's lousy, or if the topic is stupid, or my characters are lame. Pheww!! now there is a load off of my chest ( not really) but maybe if I continue to say it out loud, I will face my fears, rather then run from them. I will finish these projects and take on more, because I can, and because I am good at them.
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